My sweet Moo. "You had the power all along my dear!"

Here I am, finding myself in that mood again... I can't really pin point it.  I'm not a cryer unless something really upsets me. I mean sure, I cry at movies or when something makes me sad. But I don't "CRY."  Going to that place where the tears fall like rain and I'm drowning in my own thoughts and sadness. I rarely go there. People ask me how? They look at me and say, "I just don't know how you do it." (Staying strong that is.) But you see strength comes in many forms and weakness just the same.

I find myself strongest when I'm alone.  I have learned to lean on few people thru this process, so that I might save myself from a fall I can't get back up from.  Don't get me wrong I have an amazing support team. I could not have made it thru these years without the people I call to for help, with the things I can not do for myself.  I have made friends in my darkest hour, and they are my saving grace when I fall there again. When Moo is sick, I know exactly who I can call and who I choose to share that specific journey with. They never turn me down, and though busy themselves, they reach out and care for Moo and love her unexpectedly and selflessly. 

This time, my weakness came quickly.  It came on before this hospital stay happened and I'll tell you why.  I think I have Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  If you aren't familiar with PTSD, it is a real thing. Please research it.  There are people in your life that may need help.  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

Here is why I think I have it.  Moo has had several very long hospital stays. When she was born, I started motherhood with a one month stay in the NICU.  She was very sick, and she almost didn't make it.  I lived in that NICU with my head on her incubator, until shift change when I was forced to leave.  At 3:00am the nurses made me leave and I could come back at 7:00am. I lived in the hospital for the first 2 weeks. And then we stayed at the Ronald McDonald house for the next 2 weeks right down the street from the hospital.  I was pumping because she was to sick to nurse and I was recovering from a C-section. Leaving that hospital without my child was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. (And then there was miscarriage #1, a bleed scare with bug, miscarriage #2, a bleed scare with mini me, and all the in betweens of life with a special needs child.

Fast forward to now.  We had a pretty good run of no hospital stays from age 2 until the age of 10.  Now don't get me wrong we have spent some weeks that every other day we were at the pediatricians office.  And some out patient stays for minor surgeries. Many speciality visits and many ground zero illnesses that we spent weeks trying to get to the bottom of.  Never the less, I considered myself lucky.  I have 3 beautiful children. And nothing could change my love for them.

Six years ago, all of that changed.  Moo got sick and she couldn't shake it.  She was really sick. High fevers, upwards to 105. Bug was 7 1/2 years old and in school and mini me and I were home she was only 2 1/2 at the time. After a week of not being able to get Moo better and avoiding the hospital. There wasn't anymore time to be had.  She had 105 and had a grand mal seizure that lasted several minutes followed with being postictal. Mini me and I rushed her to the Drs. office and at 2 1/2 years old the little one had to try to shake her sister awake screaming and scared as I drove. I had a crying toddler and a 10 year old as small as a 5 year old, who sat up retching like a scene from a horror film. We were admitted into the hospital and she stayed 12 days. She didn't sit up for 9 of those days.  She had an illness called Enterovirus. Here is a brief description. And she had every symptom and then some.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/enterovirus/guide/symptoms/ 

I've never really gotten over that stay. The horror of her not being able to breathe. Her little neck was swollen. She couldn't swallow. She had blisters in her mouth. She couldn't sit up. And it didn't help that at the time she was to little for a big girl bed. She slept in a crib that looked like a cage. While it was the least of my worries. It seemed inhumane. The day we were supposed to be discharged she had a grand mal seizure. Things got crazy after that. I was never the same. My kids were getting bigger, Moo started having seizures again all the time. Life was messy.  We managed to stay out of the hospital for 2 more years. She then got a severe kidney infection and we stayed another week or so. And then we lasted another 3 years and she had another 7 day stay in the hospital with a kidney infection. Of course it was the week of Bug's 13th birthday and Mini me's 8th. This hospital stay hit pretty hard. Everything was out of my control and It broke me. I have yet to recover from that stay. Every day I pray we won't end up there again. It was to raw and I knew I needed at least a year in between visits to somewhat emotionally recover.  

Poor Moo

This past week out of nowhere Moo spiked 104 and I was almost positive it was a kidney infection.  Thru the night it was almost 106 and my heart was broken. After all we had been here just six short months before. We went to the pediatricians office to have some testing done. They are amazing and took every precaution. We went to the hospital for further testing and some fluids and depending on the outcome was whether or not we would be admitted.  Sure enough we were admitted Friday night and we ended up being there until Tuesday. The days were long and the nights were endless. We didn't sleep and she was weak and I was sad.  I stayed strong for her, but I could feel myself crumbling.  I cried more than I have in the past. Family and friends reached out, but I found myself retreating in my mind. I had nothing to say and nothing could make it better. Except being home.  And now that I'm home, I keep repeating in my mind to all the things that happened. The beeping of the machines, her oxygen dropping, her first nose bleed that was a scene from something you couldn't imagine. A blown IV. The IV team tapping her arm for the vein to please reappear. It's just all to much sometimes. So yes, I suppose I have PTSD and with each illness and hospital stay it gets worse.

While I know I will be fine. I am strong and I am weak. But weakness is where you go to be your best self.  If I fall to the ground, I have no other choice but to get back up. So I allow myself these moments. If you know someone who has been thru something similar. Reach out and see what you can do.  Just be there.  Each person's trauma is different and and they are affected differently. But know that PTSD is real and creeps up when we least expect it. But know this. The strong are weak and the weak are strong. Never underestimate my strength as a mom, because I will fight until my last breath.

Visiting sissy at the hospital

(For more information on seizures)
 https://www.brainline.org/article/seizures-and-epilepsy-frequently-asked-questions