New Year's Eve 2018, Moo and Bug

This new year didn't quite start out as a happy one.  I try to always take pics when I can, even if we aren't looking our best.  We lived another day.  And I always try to remember things could be worse.  We are here, and we have each other. My mind gets cloudy, my eyes are teary and....

My mommy heart hurts! There is no other way to say it.  The sadness inside is overwhelming over this beautiful child that has so much life inside her. Life that is trapped and can't come out. Why does life have to be so hard?  These are the questions we ask ourselves as the days are long and the nights are even longer.

All around me, there is so much happiness and joy.  But why can't I get past this sadness? It's almost as if I have a split personality.  You see I'm able to laugh, and I'm able to have fun, but there is a part of me that is always missing.  Maybe that part of me is that part of Moo that is trapped.

It's been weeks since I've written anything down.  And those thoughts above have been on repeat in my mind. Today is a new day. I'm trying so hard, but this daunting feeling I can't get over.  Moo hasn't been in school for over 5 weeks.  She was fine and then she wasn't. She got the dreaded flu.  All over the news are reports that people are dying from the flu.  "Why did I need to hear this?" I was living my own nightmare.  Of course I panicked when her temperature hit 105.... 

We fought back hard like we always do.  "Wait, who am I kidding?" Maddie fought back hard. I just made sure she had what she needed.  When she stopped drinking I syringed liquids into her mouth.  When she was fevered and her body was trapped in seizures, I took cold cloths and cooled her body down.  When she was in pain and had fear, I held her. And then the fever broke.  I thanked God.

"Our only outing in weeks! Showered with a pretty braid to go see the Dr.

The next few days brought about lethargy and a deep, wet cough that would scare most people.  All I could think was, "please God, don't let my baby get pneumonia!" I took her to see her pediatrician. 

Her lungs were clear, but they treated her proactively with antibiotics to prevent any other infection.  About 5 days into taking the antibiotic, my sweet girl had a reaction and her face broke out.  It looked like she had heat rash all over her face.  She just couldn't catch a break.  After days of that, I thought she was getting better. Then Maddie got a stomach bug and had diarrhea for days. It just wasn't ending for my sweet girl.  


Finally, Moo turned the corner. Just in time for her sister's dance competition. But I was going to have to leave her. We knew she couldn't make the trip, so we made sure that she had her own spirit shirt and represented from home! God love her. She stayed with her Gaga and Papa. We are so grateful for them. They love her like she is their  own.


 "This is how we spend most of our time when we have events. Split up.  It makes things hard, but we are so fortunate to be loved and have family who loves us.  So thats a win for all of us!!!"





Getting back home to my girl was the icing on the cake.  I could stare at this sweet face all day long!!! We talked thru silence, but I knew she was ok. And then the thing that always happens when I come back from being gone. My sweet girl's body and mind play tricks on her. It's almost like an emotional break down. She gets the chills and doesn't sleep good and this last for days.

"My sweet Moo, I will love you forever and always!"

Here we are and it's Monday.  Finally up and moving. Tomorrow we are hoping that Moo will go back to school. I think she is finally ready. I will cherish every moment with her. Every breath is a gift.  My mind will try not to wander with all the what if's, because I know there is no guarantee.  But these moments of Maddie's journey are important to process. There are so many families who are going thru loss of a loved one. And struggling to get thru the day.  We are here with you.  We know what that is like. But together we stay strong.  And we are here to support anyone, who needs to know how much they are loved and needed.

Thank you God for another day with this girl.  We are so blessed.  Her strength to carry on, makes me want to be a better person and give all I have back and then some!

I am forever changed because of her. And forever grateful for these lessons she teaches me. God knew what he was doing.  Thru silence, I am changed.....